My husband and I are in our mid-30s, which means all of the responsibilities and life goals we put off in our 20s (when we first started dating) hit us like a ton of bricks in the past few years. All of a sudden, we were less concerned about going out on dates and planning cute little weekend trips to the mountains (youth!) and way more focused on what we wanted our future together to look like.
When we got married, no one gifted us a guide on how to navigate a bajillion life pressures at once, so more often than not, we wound up discussing our financial goals, career aspirations, holiday plans, or family planning steps all-of-the-damn time. This, as you can imagine, had a tendency to suck the romance out of our quality time together. Relaxing evenings on the couch transformed into draining conversations about when our taxes were due. When we went out to dinner, we spitballed about when, if ever, we’d buy a house (the real estate market is killing me).
This super healthy (heh) habit continued until my therapist suggested we set up a weekly housekeeping meeting—a state of the union if you will—to go over all of the logistical BS on our collective plate. That way, he said, we’d have a scheduled time to discuss all of these super important yet stressful matters, which would help prevent us from flippantly bringing them up at the most inopportune time (it’s my specialty). I don’t want to lose you so quickly with overly enthusiastic superlatives, but having an official relationship check-in on the books has—hands down—been the single most beneficial and impactful thing my husband and I have done to preserve and protect the well-being of our partnership.
Stephanie Manes, LCSW, a psychotherapist who teaches couples therapy at Columbia University, tells SELF you don’t need to be going through a rough patch to benefit from routine relationship meetings. They can be life-changing for anyone who’s partnered up: They serve as a consistent reminder that your bond is extremely important to both of you—that you’re committed to doing what it takes to keep it healthy and evolving. “It’s a game changer for a lot of couples,” Manes says. (Hi, I am proof.)
Couples meetings can absolutely strengthen your partnership.
If you make the same mistake my husband and I once did and talk about your to-dos at all hours of the day, it can take an unnecessary toll on what might otherwise be a wonderful relationship. Logistical topics often don’t make for fun, light-hearted chitchat, Manes says, as stress is inherently baked into them (I mean, who feels warm and fuzzy when they’re talking about finances!?).
Without boundaries around them, these tense discussions can take over and define the relationship, Manes says. And they can also cause partners to fall into a dicey pattern where one person feels responsible for keeping the couple on task, while the other constantly feels nagged, leading to feelings of blame, anger, defensiveness, and even resentment. “It’s a really bad dynamic to get into,” Manes says.
Plus, when you bring up relationship concerns or life logistics on the fly, there’s a good chance you won’t effectively hear one another. “You can miss what each other’s saying because you’re not primed for attentive listening or you feel infringed upon—like, there you are trying to have your moment and someone is poking at you,” she adds. (Poor communication, as you’ve probably heard, is a research-backed relationship killer.)
With a meeting on the books, on the other hand, you know what you’re walking into and are more prepared mentally to have these potentially tough conversations. “It feels less stressful and more collaborative, and like you’re making decisions together about how to handle the corporate stuff that comes up from being a couple,” Manes says.
Overall, the couple’s check-in offers a safe space to address your issues and better understand one another. The end result: You’re able to talk about everyday struggles (like splitting chores or cooking at home more often as a team) and deeper stuff (like if you’ve been arguing way too much) more compassionately, and actually problem solve. You’re inviting your partner in, as Manes puts it, and having these intentional moments of vulnerability and openness can build intimacy and trust in a relationship.
How to plan—and participate in—your couple’s meeting
Scheduling check-ins is the easy part: Pick a time and a day when you and your partner are free—block off 30 to 45 minutes on your calendar. Manes suggests nailing down a window when you both feel relaxed, is possible. When my husband and I first gave these meetings a go, we chose 4 p.m. on Tuesdays, which was very stupid on my part because I was still in the middle of my workday. I arrived tense and left on edge about finishing up my work. Now, we touch base at 6:30 p.m. during dinner. Depending on your needs, you can meet every week, every other week, or once a month—or copy us and begin with a weekly meeting and then, once you’re in a flow, scale back to biweekly.
As for what to talk about: It can include anything from what’s coming up in the week ahead (who needs to get groceries or take the dog to the vet, for example, or what your social plans are), to long-term goals (do you want to move to a new city? Or try for a kid in a year?), to conflicts you want to resolve (is there a frustrating issue that keeps popping up, like your partner spends way too much time on their phone when you’re together?), to your intimate life (how’s it going in the bedroom?)—really anything that’s impacting your relationship.
The goal is to bring up problems, brainstorm solutions, and, if need be, agree on a fair compromise. (Compromise, which is that sweet mix of accommodating and sacrificing, can help you resolve conflicts quicker and have a more satisfying relationship—who doesn’t want that?)
I find it helps to jot things down in the notes app on my phone when something starts weighing on me throughout the week. That way I won’t forget about it, and I’m less likely to unfairly snap at my husband in the moment about something that may be better addressed in our calm biweekly sit-down (or as we simply call it, “our meeting”). It also gives me the chance to reflect on the issue and come up with a thought-out game plan for how I want to bring it up.
Of course, you’re human, so you—and your partner—will probably still address, say, how you feel like you’ve both been working way too much when you’re in the middle of sipping a nice glass of red wine on a Friday night (guilty). And in certain cases, it makes sense to talk about an issue right then and there—like, for example, if your significant other said something that rubbed you the wrong way.
If it’s a little misunderstanding or another one-off situation that isn’t indicative of a larger issue in your relationship, you can probably talk it out and move past it right then and there—before it becomes something bigger than it needs to be. But if there’s a deeper problem at hand that requires a more delicate back-and-forth conversation, ask your SO, or better yet, ask yourself: “Can we save this for our meeting?”
One more little thing you can do to set yourselves up for success: Kick your meetings off by addressing what went well in your relationship that week. Throw some compliments and appreciation your partner’s way so that, before you launch into the more grating stuff, they feel valued and respected. “This creates a much more positive framework to give them feedback about things you would like them to work on,” says Manes. Showing your person some gratitude first can soften the blow from the challenges and hardships you get into next. As she puts it: Who doesn’t like to hear some praise before getting a performance review?
I have to admit: Scheduling a meeting with my husband felt unnatural at first. I’m constantly with this person, and we talk openly and candidly about everything—I felt like our relationship suddenly had handcuffs. But I pretty quickly got used to tabling topics for house meetings, and now I actually look forward to them. If you think about it, you schedule all kinds of important things—yoga, drinks with friends, vacations, and, yep, even sex—because you want to make sure they happen, Manes says. It makes sense, then, to also carve out time to chat about the status of your relationship along with your hopes and dreams—some of the most important and sacred things in your life.
These meetings helped my husband and I tackle sticky problems, address weird misunderstandings (like how the hell you double-booked drinks with different sets of friends on Saturday), plan for the future, and ultimately grow together. And perhaps the best perk of all—and I’m sure he would agree—is that I no longer feel compelled to talk about nonurgent problems (like how exactly do we plan on splitting our dog’s unbelievably high vet bills?) at 10 p.m. when we’re winding down in bed. That’s what the meeting is for. It’s a game changer—trust me.
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