There’s this feeling I get at the end of a work day—after interacting with people in meetings, talking with patients as a psychiatrist, and chit-chatting with colleagues in the hallway—that can best be described as “spent.” I get home and I am all kinds of exhausted, mentally and physically. I want to call a friend or go out to dinner, but I can only muster the energy to turn on Vanderpump Rules and shut my mind off completely. That, or I call it a night after dinner and just go to bed (at 8 p.m.). Frankly, when the clock strikes 5 (or so), I am just done with being around other people—or, as I like to call it, people-ing.
Managing social interactions in the workplace can be a lot of emotional labor, Kathryn Esquer, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and the executive director of The Therapist Network, tells SELF. “More than just pretending to be happy, it often involves the effort to suppress inappropriate feelings and try to align one’s emotional state with job expectations,” Dr. Esquer says, pointing to the example of a customer service rep trying to stay calm with a difficult customer (you know instead of saying what they really think). Just like manual labor, regulating your emotions in conversation after conversation can leave you—and me–utterly drained.
So, it’s no wonder I don’t feel like people-ing at the end of the day. And I just have a dog waiting for me—if you live with other humans (like a partner or kids), dealing with a drained social battery is all the more challenging. In fact, engaging with more people (even people you love dearly) at home can feel like straight-up work: Philadelphia-based psychologist Jaime Zuckerman, PsyD, calls these interactions the “second shift” and explains that it often involves an entirely new set of dynamics and boundaries to negotiate.
If you, like me, are tired of being tired from your people-focused job and want to know how to preserve your energy for your loved ones, you’re in good company. It’s impossible to totally balance it all, all the time, but I asked a group of experts for a few ways to feel less socially depleted so you can show up for your favorites—and yourself.
Pencil in breaks where you can.
When you have too much on your plate, more scheduling may sound like counterintuitive advice. It’s like being told to take a deep breath when you’re anxious—you kind of want to punch the person in the face for suggesting it. But, having some control over your activities, including when you do them and who they‘re with, can help prevent overload. “Our brains are lazy and crave structure,” Dr. Zuckerman tells SELF. “The more we can predict what comes next, the less cognitive resources we use up.”
One way to take charge of your calendar (and how much energy you expend) is by assessing your activities and trying to make sure that you have a balance of energy-sucking and energy-giving ones, she says. Instead of just saying, “Tuesdays are the worst,” for example, look at all of your to-dos on Tuesdays and take a few minutes to check in with yourself about each of them. You can ask, “Does this drain or fill my cup?” and even rank the task on a scale of 1 to 10.
If this little exercise helps you realize you have a lot of things that make you groan back to back on certain days, pencil in a couple of breaks if you can, Dr. Zuckerman suggests. These built-in respites can be as small as getting a glass of water, walking around the block, or even just going to the bathroom—the point is to (routinely) shift out of work mode for a few minutes and focus on yourself. (And if you have the flexibility to move one of those commitments that leave you zonked to another day, definitely do that!)
Have a clear transition from work to home.
If your home is full of people that you want to be present for, it can be challenging to go from a long day at work right into a jam-packed evening with them. You might not have a choice—like if your only time with your kids is before their bedtimes, or you promised your partner you would spend time with them—but if you’re able to build in a transition period, it can help you leave work at work, and have the capacity to show up for your loved ones.
Dr. Zuckerman recommends taking at least the first 15 minutes or so after work to unwind and recharge a bit before returning to people-ing at home. “This could be sitting in your car in the driveway before heading in, taking a shower so you have time to be alone and decompress, going to the gym, or reading a book,” she says.
It doesn’t matter so much what you do; it’s the act of the transition that creates space for self-care in a world that asks a lot of you. You can also think about it like my therapist tells me to, pointing out that Mr. Rogers changes his clothes and shoes when he comes home from work. By taking off his outfit, he’s (metaphorically) leaving his day (and the stress that came with it) behind him. Like Mr. Rogers, I (and you) should find a way to shake off the workday.
Just be sure to tell the people at home to expect your need to decompress. You may feel nervous or guilty about setting this boundary, but it’s important to communicate so your me-time doesn’t look(or feel) like avoidance. It’s simply an agreed-upon plan, understood by everyone involved, to create a better “second shift” for everyone, Dr. Zuckerman says.
Don’t beat yourself up for needing downtime.
I don’t know about you, but when I get home after work, if I spend most of my evening doing something “frivolous” like reading a juicy romance novel or streaming reality TV, part of me feels like I should be working instead. I know this guilt t is partly driven by our capitalist society that praises overworking, but that doesn’t change the way it makes me feel. With a constant stream of “I’m not doing enough” and “everyone else is doing more” thoughts in my head, it’s hard to feel good about doing nothing.
But, as much as our culture tells us differently, self-care isn’t selfish. We all need it, and ”being honest about your priorities and needs is critical,” Willough Jenkins, MD, assistant professor of Psychiatry at the University of California San Diego, tells SELF. Dr. Jenkins says she learned this the hard way: By trying to “have it all” as a high-achieving psychiatrist and mother, and neglecting herself as a result. Once she acknowledged she needed a change, without judging herself, she was able to stop trying so hard to live up to other people’s expectations, she says. Ultimately, that meant reducing her client load to find the balance she so desperately needed.
Of course, self-care looks different for everyone. But whether you’re taking a long-overdue vacation, say, or blocking out time to watch the new season of The Bear, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Prioritizing yourself only makes you better at all your other (personal and professional) roles in life.
Remember that not all social interactions are created equal.
When I’m spent from work, the last thing I want to do is socialize or call a family member or friend. That said, there’s definitely a difference in how I feel during interactions with certain people versus others: Some relationships are nourishing and others are depleting. So, it might be possible to enjoy grabbing a drink or going to the movies after work, even when you’re wiped, if it’s with the “right” people,” Brit Barkholtz, LICSW, a trauma therapist based in St. Paul, Minnesota, who specializes in stress management, tells SELF.
Barkholtz explains that she jokingly tells her closest friends they “don’t count as people.” She finds spending time with them restorative, not exhausting, and being aware of how she feels around these particular pals has allowed her to still choose to see them, even (or especially) on tough days when her instinct is to be alone.
Not sure which people are the “right” ones in your life? Similar to the to-do list check-in above, Dr. Zuckerman suggests doing an interpersonal inventory. Here’s how: Assess the give and take of your relationships—including friends, family, and colleagues—and figure out which ones leave you worse off (as in, they require a lot of emotional investment that zaps your energy, or they constantly trigger exhausting feelings like anger or defensiveness) and which give you a boost (you always feel supported, happier, and more fulfilled after you hang out with them).
Based on these results, you can selectively make plans with the loved ones who make you feel good, and potentially minimize (or even avoid) get-togethers with those who don’t. As Barkholtz says, socializing shouldn’t feel like another job. Reminding yourself of this, and carefully curating your inner circle, can make people-ing (after work and beyond) so much easier.
Consider “parallel play” activities.
There’s this thing that kids do called parallel play: They play together in the same room, but don’t talk or even interact with each other. As it turns out, we can do that as adults, too, and it might be a good solution for you if you’re looking for ways to connect with your favorite people in a less draining way.
You can still see your partner or a friend, for example, but maybe you read in the same room together (at home or somewhere else, like a silent book club), or jog or swim laps alongside each other. That way, you’re not rejecting them, but you aren’t pouring out the rest of your cup either. You’re basically being alone…together—and that doesn’t sound half bad if you ask me.
Of course, if you try some of the strategies in this article and your social battery is still at zero, or you feel like isolating yourself from your loved ones, you'll want to make sure your exhaustion isn’t something more serious, like burnout or depression, that might require professional help. (Here are some depression symptoms you shouldn’t ignore—plus how to get support if you need it).
The bottom line: If your people-focused job is taking everything out of you, there are ways to preserve your energy. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but I hope the advice above will help you figure out what works for you. My favorite strategy right now: embracing self-care. I now know that, by carving out quality alone time, I’ll be better able to fully show up for my loved ones in the future. So, the next time I feel like doing nothing after work, I’m going to let myself do nothing—and not feel even a little guilty about it.
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