Last weekend, I spent almost an hour going on and on (and on) to my friend about how much I can’t stand this one TikToker with the most grating voice and “pick me” energy. And by the end of this passionate vent sesh, I started to seriously question myself: Um, do I have a problem?
Of course, it’s natural to feel annoyed by certain people, including ones we barely (or don’t) know at all—like that obnoxious rapper, narcissistic Bachelor contestant, or overrated pop star. But there’s a difference between not liking someone and letting that feeling snowball into a full-blown obsession that messes with your well-being, Janel Coleman, LMSW, a licensed therapist at Madison Square Psychotherapy in New York City tells SELF.
For example, simply seeing a reality TV villain on your screen probably shouldn’t trigger you so much that you end up stalking their Instagram reels until 2 a.m. Similarly, it’s not great if hearing your frenemy’s name turns your entire Friday night date into a draining tirade about why they suck. When someone rubs you the wrong way, “you should be able to feel these feelings and move on,” Coleman says. But that can be difficult to do, which explains why so many of us find it easier to “focus on their flaws than to do the more challenging work of processing those vulnerable emotions,” she adds.
Even though a good rant might feel like exactly what you need in the heat of the moment, you don’t want your hatred to mess with your mental health and how you live your life, Coleman says. And if it does? The following expert tips can help you rein in your visceral distaste for that misogynistic comedian, mean “friend,” or whoever else is living in your head rent-free.
1. When you feel that wave of negativity rolling in, just breathe.
Yep, we’re starting this article off strong with yet another deep breathing tip (a signature SELF rec), and for good reason: Redirecting your attention to your breath is one of the quickest, easiest ways to de-escalate anger and frustration, Coleman says (and research agrees). The idea is that, by making a conscious effort to get out of your head, you’re less likely to act irrationally on your emotions—and say, devote your Saturday night to obsessively refreshing your ex’s Snapchat location.
If you want to give deep breathing (or, more technically, diaphragmatic breathing) a shot, here’s a simple practice: Place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach, breathe in through your nose then out through your mouth, and pay attention to how your belly rises and falls. Coleman also recommends the 4-7-8 technique: “Breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and exhale for eight seconds. Do this a few times until you feel a little less overwhelmed.”
Both of these exercises, she says, can activate your parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the autonomic nervous system that tells your body to calm down. That makes them the perfect tools to use whenever all-consuming stress (including bitterness and rage) hijacks your body—and convinces you to tell everyone in the group chat to hate your roommate as much as you do.
2. If blocking or unfollowing someone feels aggressive, mute them instead.
This may sound obvious, but please stop hate-following those influencers, A-listers, and former classmates who annoy you to no end. Seeing their content will just piss you off even more and keep you thinking about them way more than you should, Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York City, tells SELF.
If you haven’t already, Tristan recommends blocking any celebs, politicians, or other public figures you care a little too much about. (Unfollowing is an option, too, although this doesn’t really stop you from looking them up or coming across their pics.) But for the jerks you can’t stand but still have to deal with in real life (a shitty boss, perhaps, or that condescending mutual friend), “blocking or unfollowing can feel like an aggressive or anxiety-inducing move,” she acknowledges.
That’s why muting their posts (so you don’t have to see or be notified about their activity) is a more practical solution for some folks, Tristan says: It lets you avoid their life updates without them knowing, and you’re essentially creating a barrier that shields you from their constant presence. (Most social media platforms—like Instagram, X, and Facebook—have this feature.) Out of sight, out of mind, right?
3. Get all of your thoughts out by writing them a letter (but don’t send it).
This advice is particularly useful if you’re driving yourself crazy over someone who wronged you, and your mind is racing: Why did they ghost me? I can’t believe how much crap they talked about me behind my back! Instead of endlessly repeating these thoughts, hate-watching their Instagram stories, and never finding closure, both therapists recommend a more constructive strategy: Let it all out in a letter. (But obviously, don’t send it to them—unless you’re prepared for drama.)
“Putting your thoughts into words—without having the looming fear of how someone will react—allows you to be raw and honest with yourself about your feelings,” Tristan says. Basically, it’s an emotional regulation tool that can help you process and express negativity without falling into more destructive patterns, like ruminating, she explains.
Plus, writing in general can help you think a little more calmly and rationally when hatred is clouding your judgment, as SELF previously reported. You might realize, Oh, maybe I shouldn’t keep gossiping about a spoiled brat from high school that I haven’t talked to in years. Or, Those Reddit threads about that underwhelming rapper are actually pretty pointless and kind of pathetic.
If you’re new to the art of letter writing, Coleman suggests setting a 20-minute timer (so you don’t dwell on this person for hours) and word-vomiting exactly what’s going through your head. If you realize you can’t help but bring up your overbearing manager during every lunch break, for instance, describe how their condescending comments mess with your self-esteem (You really make me feel like I’m never good enough, when everyone knows I’m busting my ass.) Or, why you believe they flat-out suck (You’re never considerate of my well-being and you’re making my life so miserable!).
4. Turn your anger or resentment into inspiration.
That stuck-up coworker got the raise you know you deserved. An insufferable content creator just hit 1 million subscribers for…dancing in their living room? That ungrateful nepo baby landed another acting gig, despite having zero experience (or talent).
When you’re triggered by great things happening to all the “wrong” people, it’s easy to slip into hater mode and start ruminating. More often than not, these bitter thoughts and feelings stem from issues deeper than simply finding someone “irritating” or “entitled,” according to Coleman: Maybe you’re jealous that you have a theater school degree, yet this untalented D-lister is being handed opportunities you could only dream of. Or, you’re spiraling because you’re not where you’d like to be in your career.
Instead of letting your ill will completely consume you, a healthier response is to channel it into something more productive, Coleman says. For me, this usually looks like a 30-minute rage run to clear my head (shoutout to angry workouts). For you, maybe a colleague’s promotion is the motivation you need to polish up your resume and start looking for other job opportunities. Or, if you’re creating an endless mental checklist of everything that overrated makeup guru is doing “wrong,” a better use of your time might be starting your own beauty channel on YouTube instead!
5. Beware of revenge fantasies.
Most of us have probably had them—I know I have. When I hear about my old bully thriving, I dream about outshining them at our upcoming high school reunion. I also can’t wait for the day when everyone finally sees how awful my first ex truly is.
Generally, it makes sense that “we get satisfaction from seeing the ‘bad guys’ in our minds lose,” Tristan says, but really, no good comes from these fantasies. Sure, picturing the downfall of the most irritating person you know may be temporarily satisfying, but it’s ultimately not an effective coping mechanism.
That’s because, according to Coleman, dwelling on another person’s suffering only reinforces anger and bitterness, making it harder to move forward and be happy. Plus, you’re much better off investing your time and energy into practical solutions that make a legit difference (ahem, any of the pointers above)—rather than getting caught up in fake scenarios, she adds.
6. Remember that holding onto hate hurts you more than them.
There’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother that really stuck with me, and it’s about “The Pit Person.” If you don’t watch the show, basically, this refers to someone you despise so much that you imagine throwing them into a bottomless pit.
The moral of the story is that if anyone occupies this much space in your mind, you’re actually the miserable one at the bottom of the pit—not them. You’re losing sleep over this person. You’re unhappy, restless, and riled up. You’re incessantly scrolling through their TikTok page, liking every mean comment about their looks or “boring” vibe—all while they’re living their life, probably not even thinking about you.
According to Tristan, resentment is often a way to mentally punish someone if you believe they haven’t faced consequences for their actions (maybe they wronged you, or you simply believe they don’t deserve their clout). “But you need to reflect on who your hate is really hurting more,” Tristan says. And ultimately, that’s you.
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