No one prepares you for how drastically your social life changes in your 30s. I would know because, as a 36-year-old, I just went through this shift: In my 20s, my life largely revolved around making dinner plans with friends, taking girls trips to new cities, and staying out late at bars. As we crept toward our 30s, people started dropping off: A few got married, a handful moved (some to new cities, others deep into the suburbs), some became career-obsessed, and a couple had babies.
At first, I was devastated—how could these people I’d been close with for years suddenly (seemingly) bail on our relationship? The treachery! But I’ve since realized people turning down brunch or heading home early after a fun night out was nothing personal, it was just…life happening: New responsibilities emerged, priorities changed, and, as a result, friendships—the thing we cared most about a decade ago—fell to the wayside.
This kind of social evolution is extremely common in your 30s, when many life transitions (like the ones mentioned above) tend to occur, Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, a therapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF. “There’s a lot more responsibility on your plate and there’s less time for the kind of social life that you might have had before,” Goldberg says. It can get super challenging to stay in each others’ lives—at least in the way you did when you were 25 and living in the same neighborhood.
But friendships, especially long-lasting ones, are incredibly important for your mental health—they’re powerful mood boosters and help you cope with life’s ups and downs, research shows. So if you’re a 30-something reading this article and thinking, Yeah, WTF did happen to all my friends?! stay with us. We’ve got six therapist-approved tips that will help you stay connected to the people who’ve made your life so much better.
Adjust your expectations for the friendship.
You first have to do the thing I resisted for about five years, which is to accept that certain friendships are going to look and feel different from how they did when you were younger, Lauren Phillips, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Williamsburg Therapy Group, tells SELF.
If, for example, you’re disappointed that you don’t see your bestie as much anymore, adjust your expectations for how often they can realistically hang out these days, Dr. Phillips says. Maybe they’re wrapped up in their career or too busy taking care of a toddler to do happy hour and dinner every Friday night, but perhaps they can meet up every couple of months for lunch. Let go of what was and acknowledge what is: “Focus on the quality of time rather than the quantity,” Dr. Phillips suggests.
Accepting that things are different can make it hurt less when your friend doesn’t want to go out drinking anymore or turns down invites to bachelorette parties. People who have unrealistically high expectations for their buddies are more likely to wind up frustrated and upset, according to Dr. Phillips. So give the relationship some grace and be flexible with your pals: “The more wiggle room each person has in a friendship, the less either party is going to be disappointed,” she says.
See—and appreciate—your friend for who they are now.
Another problem I ran into in my early 30s is that I’d get bummed when longtime friends changed. For example, I had a tough time coming to terms with the fact that one of my pals was no longer interested in going to concerts. It stung because we used to love seeing our favorite bands perform. But I was still holding her to the standard of who she used to be (a big music fan) and not who she turned into—a busy parent of two. I missed my friend and felt like I didn’t really know or connect with this new person who was in full-on mom mode.
The solution to this struggle, according to Dr. Phillips, is to get interested in who your pal is now because, inevitably, people—and their interests, goals, and achievements—grow and evolve over time. Even if it feels like you don’t have as much in common, you can still ask questions to understand their experiences and how they tie into who they are as a person, Dr. Phillips says.
So if they’ve been climbing the corporate ladder, ask what they like (or hate) about managing a team. If they’re planning a birthday party for their kid, ask if it’s been fun to throw the event and if it reminds them of their childhood. “By taking a genuine interest in who the other person is now, we stay open to their journey and their metamorphosis, and we can relieve ourselves of potential disappointment or grieving the person they were,” Dr. Phillips explains.
Visit your old haunts.
One symptom of getting older is that people tend to play less and focus more on all of their responsibilities and to-dos, Dr. Phillips says. One of the major benefits of holding onto friends is that, when you’re together, you can tap into your younger, sillier selves. Yes, it’s important to come to peace with the adult human being your buddy became, but it’s also beneficial (and, not to mention, fun) to get playful with them.
Why? Studies show that play—which can take many forms and include things like laughing your butt off, bantering, and competing in a game—helps people feel more open and comfortable with one another. As this report suggests: One of the most important functions of goofing around is to bond people to one another.
An effective way to bring out your inner children (or college kids), according to Dr. Phillips: Take a walk down memory lane. Go to a place you used to visit together, like the coffee shop across the street from the apartment you once shared, the city park where you always celebrated birthdays, or your old go-to brunch spot. Visiting a familiar location “becomes an external cue for what there was,” which can help you access a more playful, connected headspace, she says.
Schedule video calls.
If planning a night out at the pub where you used to do trivia feels like too much, don’t push it. Goldberg says she sees some people get overzealous about staying in touch with friends: One pal will vow to grab dinner once a month or hike every week, even though they know that, deep down, they can’t actually swing it. “It’s very hard to keep up with that as families get in the way or as people move,” Goldberg says—and when you overcommit, your social plans will likely fall through and never happen.
A more realistic approach: Make plans to video chat, ideally on some sort of schedule. Shoot for a 30-minute monthly FaceTime, or a 10-minute call the first Wednesday of every month. If you’re down to level it up, you can turn it into a virtual book club, say, or happy hour. “When you are on a video call and it’s just you two, you are giving that person your time and they are giving you that in return,” says Goldberg. People often avoid calling their friends because they think it’ll be awkward, research shows, but talking face-to-face, even if it’s through a screen, can strengthen your bond.
Celebrate your friendship with a small gift or gesture.
If you can’t tolerate another minute of being on Zoom because you’re on it all day for work, come up with a creative way to honor your relationship. Surprise your friend by sending them a letter in the mail or a care package filled with old photos on the anniversary of when you met or took a fun trip together, for example.
These little acts of kindness let them know you’re thinking about them and remind them that you go way back, says Goldberg. A college roomie I rarely see recently sent me a cheesy postcard from a vacation she took to California with her husband, and all it said was “Miss you!”—how sweet is that? This kind of gesture shows your pal that, even though you’re on different paths, they’re still really important to you. “It brings you a little bit closer to that person even if you’re not speaking to them as much or you’re at a time in your life where you’ve moved apart,” Goldberg says.
Send your friend a quick voice memo.
Last but not least: Consider staying in touch with voice memos. Record yourself talking about a memory or share a little update on what’s been going on with you (and ask them what’s new in their world). Again, try to carve out a routine: Regularly exchanging voice notes—maybe once a week or a couple of times a month—can keep you both in the loop as you move through life, Goldberg says. Sure, it might feel awkward at first to reach out, especially if it’s been painfully too long, but research shows people by and large really appreciate hearing from an old friend, even if it’s been a second.
While texts are convenient, voice memos are way more personal because your pal can pick up on “paralinguistic cues,” such as your tone or humor, which can help them better understand what you’re saying and feel closer to you. Plus, when you speak, “your personality gets to come out,” Goldberg says. A woman I’ve been close with since we were 19 recently sent me a voice memo talking about how she ran into a group of guys we went to college with and acted super cringey, and it brightened my day: I rarely see her, but it reminded me of the good old days and that, deep down, she’s still the quirky weirdo I adore.
It’s easy to let life get in the way of your friendships or get pissy when your high school buddy spends more time networking with work friends—but it’s worth preserving these bonds. It’s tough to find people you can be your authentic self with. Take it from the therapists above (and me): Let your friendships change, but make a point to hold onto them—even if that’s through a 15-second voice memo demonstrating that you’re still the awkward dork you were when you first met at age 17.
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