Life isn’t perfect, and there’s plenty to complain about: A job that drives you up the wall. Terrible traffic that makes you 20 minutes late to brunch. A noisy neighbor who keeps you up until 3 a.m. Most of us have our grievances—big and small—and who better to whine to than your closest pals, right?
Venting to the people who know you best is natural and can be healthy, Alisha Simpson-Watt, LCSW, founder of Collaborative ABA Services, tells SELF. A good ol’ rant session can help you process anger or stress, and being vulnerable and leaning on your buddies for emotional support can actually strengthen your friendships.
However, there’s a difference between a person who occasionally vents and someone who finds a problem in almost all situations. Maybe they groan about their messy partner every (!) single (!) day (!), or fill any pause with their latest pet peeve. When most of your interactions revolve around negativity, it’s normal to feel mentally drained, Simpson-Watt says, which can make it hard to truly enjoy your friend’s company. Below, two therapists explain how to deal with a chronic complainer and strike the balance between showing empathy and setting boundaries.
1. Lead by example.
Sometimes I wonder why a friend feels the need to share every single gripe with me. Then I scroll up a few messages into our conversation and realize, Oh, I complain a lot too.
“In small doses, mutual complaining feels like bonding,” Sarah Epstein, LMFT, a couples therapist based in Dallas, tells SELF. (Think about how easy it is to get closer to a work pal after you finally both admit that you can’t stand your other coworker.) Doing this too often, however, can perpetuate a pattern where complaining becomes the norm for your relationship.
So before you call them out for their behavior, take a moment to consider whether you’re inadvertently fueling the negativity. Better yet, make an effort to be more positive, Epstein suggests: Instead of bashing an overrated reality TV series, drop a new show they might enjoy in the chat, or mention how nice their Fourth of July weekend getaway looked on Instagram. This might feel cheesy at first (especially if you, too, are a chronic pessimist). But the idea is that the more you intentionally shift the focus to positivity, the more natural it becomes in conversations going forward.
2. Become a less fun audience during their vent sessions.
The next time your loved one starts complaining, resist the urge to match their energy or send a lengthy voice memo in response. These reactions are just going to signal that you’re fully invested in whatever they’re venting about, which will only encourage them to keep unloading on you.
That’s why Epstein suggests keeping it brief when it comes to acknowledging your pal’s frustration. (“Yeah, that does seriously suck.” “Ugh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that—I wish I could help.” “I would be pretty pissed too.”) Then, just pause. By intentionally not adding fuel to their fire, you’re making their ranting sprees shorter and less satisfying, Epstein says. They won’t get the intense reaction or emotional investment from you that they were looking for, and as a result, will likely stop leaning on you to validate their complaints.
If these one-liners feel unnatural, though, Epstein recommends changing the subject to something more optimistic. This could be as subtle as, “It seems like work’s been rough. But wait—don’t you have that hot date tonight? Are you at least looking forward to that?” Or, “I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so cranky. What usually helps you feel better in these situations?” These approaches, Epstein says, can inspire your pal to think about solutions and (hopefully!) put a stop to their constant downer energy.
3. Switch up your hangouts to de-stress together.
Having a leisurely two-hour dinner or hitting up your favorite bar’s happy hour can be a great way to catch up and unwind. But this might sound less appealing when you’re with a certain someone who could easily spend the entire evening rambling about every little thing that’s bothering them.
Instead, Simpson-Watt suggests proposing more interactive activities. This might look like attending a yoga class together, or going to a movie or concert. Not only are these non-chatty options still fun, but they also create an environment where it’s harder to ruminate on negative thoughts since, as Simpson-Watt points out, you’re so focused on engaging with the present moment instead.
4. Don’t feel like you have to listen to their complaints endlessly.
You might be wondering, “Isn’t it weird to interrupt my pal’s rant just to say, ‘Time’s up!’” And when you put it like that, yes—but the experts we spoke with say there are more graceful ways to wrap things up, and you shouldn’t feel bad about employing them.
For instance, you could say, “I only have 10 minutes, so I can listen for a bit.” Or, “I need to call it a night, but let’s revisit this tomorrow afternoon if you still want to vent.” “When you set these boundaries, you’re signaling that you care so deeply for this friendship that you want to articulate parameters in which it thrives,” Epstein says. Compassionate responses like these will let your pal know that you’re there for them, while still protecting your own time and energy.
5. Just be honest with them.
If your friend’s incessant complaining is wearing you down—so much so that you’re dreading seeing their name in your notifications—just talk to them directly. Bottling up your feelings will only intensify them, Epstein says, until mild irritation builds into a full-blown resentment. To avoid this, it’s best to address your concerns openly but respectfully.
Start the conversation from a place of genuine concern and empathy, not blame or anger. Simpson-Watt recommends saying something along the lines of, “To tell you the truth, our hangouts have felt kind of negative lately. Could we discuss some positive stuff going on in our lives too?” Or you could say, “I really care about you, but the amount of complaining lately has left me feeling kind of drained and bummed out. Can we try to keep it in check?”
These strategies work because they’re direct but still kind, helping you express your feelings without shutting down your friend completely. “Ideally, it’s best to speak up before the complaining gets so bad that you’re reevaluating the relationship entirely,” Epstein says. And if, despite your best efforts, they’re still unloading without any consideration for your well-being, it may be time to consider taking a break. Remember: Supporting your buds when they are in distress is great, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your own happiness.
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