What counts as physical cheating in a relationship is pretty clear, but defining emotional cheating isn’t so easy. That’s because being close with people other than your significant other(s) is “healthy and normal,” Vanessa Bradden, LMFT, owner of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago, tells SELF. It’s only when that closeness evolves into the kind of non-physical intimacy normally reserved for a romantic partner that you’re in emotional infidelity territory, Bradden says.
If you’re on the receiving end of such betrayal, you might notice a change in your relationship’s normal dynamic—something a little…off. The major red flags are “a decrease in emotional intimacy, increased secrecy, and a shift in priorities,” according to Bradden. Perhaps you no longer feel like your partner’s number one. Or the weirdness could show up in their schedule—they may prioritize happy hours and other social plans with coworkers when they didn’t before.
Other examples: “A partner who becomes distant when they are ordinarily chatty and engaged may be seeking comfort elsewhere,” Bradden says. “Likewise, if you have an open-door policy with texts and emails, and they suddenly become guarded with their information, they may be crossing a line.”
Whether the signs are glaring or small, if you have even the slightest suspicion that something’s up, it’s important to call it out as quickly as possible because when emotional cheating goes unchecked, it can cause long-term damage like broken trust and frequent conflicts, Svea Wentzler, MA, a pre-licensed marriage and family therapist at A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia, tells SELF. Instead of attacking your partner, though, Bradden recommends preparing your thoughts beforehand and using “I” statements. “For example: ‘I feel that things have been off between us,’” she says. That way, they’re more likely to listen—and open up—to you. (If the talk doesn’t go well, Wentzler says couples therapy can be helpful for rebuilding trust and improving communication.)
To show a few of the many ways emotional cheating can play out, we asked seven people to share their own experiences with it—some of which went too far and turned physical.
She started acting differently.
The biggest red flag was her change in demeanor—she wanted to spend less time with me but was attached to her phone. Later, I found a bunch of texts. They always started out friendly, but the conversations evolved to sharing full details of their days including family events, pictures of their kids’ creations, accomplishments, things like that—almost like she was talking to a boyfriend. Then the tone of the conversations turned sexual. This happened multiple times. It was always with someone from her past or someone at work. —L
He became reactive and defensive.
He would blow up at the slightest thing I said and dramatically yell, “I’ve had enough!” He started having lots of different reasons to be out of the house too. The emotional affair was with a woman he was giving music lessons to, and it eventually turned physical. He went to her place for dinner one night, and apparently that was when they kissed and said they’d sleep together when she got back from holiday a month later.
I felt that shit was off that night after he came home. But then he stopped mentioning her, so I thought I’d just imagined it. Then the weird behavior came back. After a few weeks, another meal at her house. That’s when I knew, so I asked outright: “Are you sleeping with her?” —S
She was quick to start fights and spoke fondly of a coworker.
She became very accusatory and angry toward me about any little thing and made me feel like I was a terrible husband. She had just gone back to work after raising our kids for five to six years, so a lot changed. She accused me of not believing she could get back into her career and claimed I wasn’t supportive of her, which was completely untrue. I believed I was a jerk but I could not understand what I was doing. At one point, she even threw me out of the house. She repeatedly expressed that she didn’t need me and I was holding her back.
I had the impression that she was getting attention at work because she’s beautiful, but I never would have believed that she was close emotionally to another man. One red flag: This guy was a rep from one of her accounts, and she always mentioned him prior to all of this, like, “What a nice guy! So helpful.” Then I stopped hearing his name. It’s very possible that this was a full physical affair. I may never know. She has sworn many times it was not and admitted to only one instance of some degree of physical contact, but it wasn’t sex. —W
He seemed to care more about his friendships with other women.
His relationships with the other women in his life were more effortful and involved. He always talked about having “best friends” who were women. It’s hard to describe—there were just a bunch of little things that communicated to me that he may have been emotionally cheating. Shortly after things started feeling off, I learned he was doing what I thought he had been doing. —Q
He was texting an unrecognizable number.
I went on his phone while he was asleep beside me. A woman wished him sweet dreams and told him she hoped he had a nice weekend. At five months pregnant, I lay reeling next to him and our one-year-old baby. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to text her back, pretending to be him. She said how nice it felt to be in her own bed after a long trip. So I went out on a limb and said that I wished she was in mine. She then replied that she wished that too. She said that it’s so comfy and nice lying next to him, which meant they weren’t only in an emotional relationship, but a physical one too. That was the moment my heart broke into a thousand pieces. —A
He started keeping messages private, and a new person was liking all of his posts.
I’m not 100% certain, but I think my husband has emotionally cheated with a friend from high school. A few years ago, she came to visit her father, and I saw a message thread on his phone in which the two of them were planning a meetup on the sly. He tried to play it off, but if you know, you know.
They’ve since communicated back and forth a few times that I know of, but I also don’t know the extent of his messages because they read like an NSA report, redacted AF. He deletes almost everything! Plus, this girl used to like his photos on Instagram when no one else did. Another one I’m not sure about is his cousin’s ex. They follow each other everywhere and talk often. —E
She tried being friends with an old flame.
My wife had an emotional affair for about six months with someone she knew from college and it almost destroyed us. There were many times I wish I would’ve just walked away from her rather than give her more chances. It never got physical, but she recognized it was inappropriate and finally ended it. His wife never knew about his friendship with my wife, and that was one of the main things that bothered me. I discovered it by reading her emails and texts because I had a feeling. They were never boyfriend and girlfriend, but they hooked up in college so they weren’t “just friends” either. That showed 14 years later. We did work through it, and we’re doing quite well. —C
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